Destroyer of Boredom
STRONG and VULNERABLE
Being a woman in a world that created a vision on 'how to be one' can be challenging. Seeking for balance between feminine and masculine is kind of the state where 'us women' are in at the moment. And not only woman.
"We are either too feminine and maybe seen as weak or vulnerable or we are too masculine and maybe seen as too strong or untouchable."
Growing up with my two older brothers was amazing. They were so many things in one and I never missed anything. There's no loyalty and love like a brother. However, boys will be boys. Pulling my barbies apart, pushing me over as soon as I walked my first steps and playing ball games or wrestling were day to day business growing up with them around.
The need to build mental and physical strength in a masculine way was undeniable. Sometimes I would even change what I wanted in order to somehow prove myself. To show that I could be independent or self-sufficient as I was the youngest girl of three.
It was empowering. They cleared the way for me as I was able to participate in adventures being much younger then my fellow peers.
Although I wouldn’t trade my childhood for the world all this masculine energy created an imbalance. The men in my life showed me how it all worked their way and because of that I also became quite the feminist as I always said; 'I can do this' and 'I don't need help'. Sometimes not with those exact words, but I would make sure they understood.
"Creating this self-empowered mental and physical strength helped me manage my thoughts, regulate my emotions, and behave productively in a masculine way."
Through this masculine way of approaching challenges throughout life I've build-up masculine systems. For example; my family isn’t the type of family that feeds hurt. They would tell you to focus on the potential to push through. I can remember this one time my brother ripped his ankle and my mum said; ‘you’re overreacting’. So yes, it's not surprising that I developed systems on how to deal with shit in a masculine way. It brought me this far. Cause in my system it would be the 'strong' and 'powerful' way of doing it. At least, that's what I always thought.
Being friends with mostly boys most of my childhood definitely did not create me into barbie. The ‘not being a barbie’ hasn't changed. My feminine side hasn’t been developed that much throughout childhood. Realising that I should allow my feminine energy to peak through when dealing with shit more often is a cool growth. It feels like I’m more balanced out.
It started with awareness. A while ago I've been taught by a friend that you lose nothing when telling someone what you really feel. To communicate true and real emotions. And to not misunderstand softness for weakness. Which was an interesting practice to realise that I shouldn’t be afraid to show emotions. True emotions. Real emotions. Practicing to not respond through a system led by masculine energy but practicing to build-up a new one. A softer one. A stronger one.
“Believe me when I tell you that it's a gift when you’re able to open up even if that means that the other person doesn't feel the same or doesn't have the capacity to respond in a way that serves the situation at best.”
All I can say is that I LOVE BEING REAL these days. I love it when I'm so comfortable with being soft and honest that I can tell a man how I really feel about him. That I can tell someone that their behaviour makes me feel hurt without getting angry. It's such a power. A brave and courageous power to be able to do so. No games or cryptic time-consuming conversations. Just saying things that really mean something without any expectations of receiving even the slightest thing back. Cause I don't need it.
No, I don't find worth in another person. I found that already within myself. And it's oke to LET GO of some masculine systems and be more balanced out. Respecting the process of others and understanding that who will be worthy for me will come at the right time. And also, it makes me not want to react in either a masculine or feminine way. Let's call it a more balanced way as there's no hurt in saying what you really feel in a controlled way.
For me a strong woman is someone that faces challenges in a balanced way no matter what or how they look like. And a strong woman will walk away gracefully from situations that no longer serve her growth. Which also requires immense courage. She loves herself and doesn’t held anyone else countable for her own happiness. And last; she LOVES and isn’t afraid to show her REAL emotions.